Unless you live in an isolated village at the top of a mountain, the concept of “letting things go” is a lot easier to understand than put into practice. Down here in the elbow-rubbing real world, achieving a Zen-like moment of benign calm is difficult when that jerk cuts you off in traffic or the person in line behind you is shouting into their phone at maximum volume. But bestselling author and expert, Dr. Venus Nicolino says it’s worth the effort to try.
She offers a concept that can help people through these moments: understanding that it’s nothing personal. It’s an idea that people can apply not only to rude strangers but to romantic partners. That’s because everyone goes through life with their own personal viewpoint. In many cases, even in a relationship, you may be viewed as a supporting character.
In other words, it’s not all about you. Dr. Venus Nicolino says that’s a very good thing to realize. But it took her a long time to get there.
“Hearing people say, ‘It’s nothing personal,’ used to annoy the s— out of me,” Nicolino said in a video on her popular Instagram channel. “Because my thought was, ‘Everything is personal. We just tell ourselves it’s not to make ourselves feel better.’
“But as I got older, I realized I was giving weight to meaningless s—, and that nothing — and I mean nothing — is personal. Sure, the rude guy at the deli or the first date who was 20 minutes late may have affected you, but it wasn’t a personal attack.”
Known for her irreverent approach, Los Angeles-based Nicolino is the author of the bestselling book Bad Advice: How To Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t. She’s also the host of “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast and often dispenses advice on her Instagram and TikTok channels. She’s an expert in her field, holding a master’s degree in counseling psychology, and both a master’s degree and a doctorate degree in clinical psychology.
Everyone Is the Star of Their Own Show
Like the main character in any work of fiction, Dr. Venus Nicolino said people primarily focus on their own lives, challenges, and perspectives. They spend their days considering their own goals, struggles, and emotions.
The downside of this idea is that they often don’t fully acknowledge how their behavior affects others. At the same time, our personal experiences shape our worldviews and reactions.
Nicolino said while negative interactions or experiences can drag us down, it’s liberating to understand how people move through the world.
“Mostly, we all see ourselves as the main character in this show called life, making it easy to think that every negative plot is aimed at the star of the show. But it’s not,” she said. “The other people believe they’re the star and they are not thinking of you at all. Their role, their lines, no matter how messed up, are not about you. So, edit that s— out, and let it go. It’s not personal.”
Nicolino said that when someone is rude or mean, it’s easy to internalize that behavior and assume it’s a reflection of who we are. But if we remember that everyone is living their own narrative, it becomes easier to see that their actions often stem from factors unrelated to us. That can include everything from work stress and personal insecurities to having a bad day or unresolved trauma.
In other words, their behavior is about them, not you. It’s a liberating perspective. It’s also incredibly hard to attain. But Nicolino said it’s worth the effort.
Understanding That Even Breakups Are Often Not About You
It’s one thing to not take a bad driver or an annoying talker personally. It’s another to take the same approach when someone close to you says something hurtful or behaves in a rude way. But as Psychology Today points out, how we relate to our feelings and the understanding of a situation can “make the difference between wallowing in misery and moving on.”
Dr. Venus Nicolino said it’s especially important in relationships to realize that some come to an end not because of you, but because of how the other person views themselves and the world.
She addresses this issue in another video that focuses on how it’s impossible to try to be good enough for the wrong person. She pointed out that people simply have hang-ups, everything from a past relationship that still haunts them to an inability to stay satisfied in any relationship.
Any number of things can drive them to end a relationship. The bottom line is that they’re the star of their own show, and they’re not ready to see things differently. Venus Nicolino said it’s vital that in these cases, people don’t think that they’re the problem.
“You’re a person, not an interchangeable digit in a math formula that could work out if you adjust your actions, expectations and even your DNA,” she said. “Even if you could change all that, it wouldn’t make you better or more valuable. It would actually diminish who you are.”
Of course, none of this means that anyone should excuse bad behavior. But it helps to meet such moments with empathy or, at least, neutrality. It helps to protect peace of mind by recognizing that, in some cases, and whether we like it or not, we’re a side character in someone else’s complex story.
Published by Joseph T.
