By: Sarah Summer

By any visible measure, many women appear to be doing fine. They’re competent at work. They show up for their families. They keep moving. And yet, quietly, a different experience unfolds underneath that surface.

Burnout that doesn’t lift. Emotional exhaustion that returns. Familiar patterns that resurface just when things seemed to be improving.

For trauma-informed educator and author Lauren Tobey, this experience isn’t a mystery or a personal shortcoming. It’s a misunderstanding of how recovery actually works.

“Change isn’t linear,” Tobey says. “It’s a spiral.”

Tobey’s work focuses on trauma and nervous system adaptation, particularly among high-functioning women who feel confused by the idea that healing should move forward cleanly and permanently. She challenges the cultural expectation that insight, time, or effort should result in steady progress, and instead offers a framework that explains why people often revisit the same internal terrain again and again.

Rather than seeing those returns as regression, Tobey names them as integration.

“The fire wasn’t my ending. It was my becoming,” she writes, describing the personal experience that ultimately led her to develop what she calls the Spiral Framework.

Trauma as Adaptation, Not Failure

Central to Tobey’s work is reframing trauma responses as intelligent adaptations rather than personal flaws. Patterns such as shutdown, over-functioning, control, and emotional numbness are often labeled as problems to fix. Tobey sees them differently.

“You don’t need fixing,” she says. “You need understanding.”

According to Tobey, trauma reshapes the nervous system in ways that prioritize survival over comfort or connection. When safety is uncertain or prolonged stress is present, the body adapts. Those adaptations don’t disappear simply because circumstances improve or insight is gained.

“If your body remembers it, it counts,” she says.

This perspective resonates strongly with women who have done everything they were told should work, therapy, self-reflection, rest, yet still find themselves cycling through familiar emotional states. Tobey emphasizes that these cycles are not signs of failure, but signals of capacity changing over time.

Tobey’s Spiral Framework offers language for experiences that many people recognize but struggle to articulate. Rather than dividing recovery into “before” and “after,” the framework describes four recurring states: Ashes, Ember, Flame, and Rise.

Ashes reflect numb survival. Ember carries restless, anxious energy. Flame shows up as overdrive, often leading to burnout. Rise brings a sense of alignment and relief—until the spiral begins again.

“These returns are not signs of regression,” Tobey explains. “They’re moments of integration that occur as capacity and awareness increase.”

By naming these stages, Tobey helps people orient themselves without shame. The goal isn’t to escape the spiral, but to move through it with clarity.

Much of Tobey’s work centers on women who are perceived as strong, capable, and self-sufficient—often to their own detriment.

“I see women who look fine and feel nothing,” she says. “For the ones called ‘strong’ while they’re exhausted.”

These women are often overlooked in conversations about trauma because they continue to perform. Tobey argues that high functioning can mask profound nervous system strain and that being praised for resilience can delay recognition of what’s actually happening internally.

Her message pushes back against the idea that suffering must look dramatic to be real.

“You don’t need permission to call it trauma,” she says. “You don’t need proof it was ‘bad enough.’”

Tobey is careful to distinguish her work from motivational or bypass-oriented wellness messaging. She does not promise quick fixes or permanent resolution. Instead, she focuses on accuracy.

“Rest didn’t touch it. Yoga didn’t touch it,” she writes of her own experience during a period of profound nervous system overload. “What I needed wasn’t more self-care. I needed to understand my nervous system.”

This emphasis on understanding rather than optimization is part of what makes her work resonate with readers who are weary of being told to try harder or think differently.

Tobey’s perspective is informed by both lived experience and formal training. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and an M.A. in Adult Learning and Development, as well as trauma-informed coaching certifications and NLP training. But she is clear about how the work originated.

“I built the Spiral Framework by walking this path myself,” she says, “then earning the certifications to understand the science behind what I experienced.”

That combination allows her to bridge personal insight with nervous system literacy, offering explanations that feel grounded rather than abstract.

A Different Way Forward

At the heart of Tobey’s work is a refusal to erase what people have survived in the name of progress.

“Recovery is a process of return, recognition, and increasing capacity,” she explains. It’s not about starting over, but about moving forward without denying the body’s history.

Her forthcoming book, Spiraling Into Control, expands on these ideas, offering language for experiences that many people carry silently. It speaks to those who have been told they should be past it by now—and who know, deep down, that something about that expectation doesn’t fit.

For Tobey, clarity is the intervention.

“I see you. I believe you,” she says. “There is a path forward.”

Not a straight one—but a human one.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to provide medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. The perspectives shared reflect personal experiences and professional insights and should not be considered a substitute for diagnosis, treatment, or care from a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Readers are encouraged to seek appropriate professional guidance for their individual needs.