By: Megan Wilson
Meg Stafford, best-selling author, speaker and storyteller delivers first international talk, “Speaking Our Truths: Where Everyone Wins.” Stafford, a literary award winner discussed key components in communicating—from the importance of clarity to speaking from the heart, and delivering a message sooner rather than later. .
She notes that the most common “lie” is people saying “I’m fine,” rather than conveying actual feelings. This small untruth serves to keep people separate from one another. And it’s likely part of the 80% of people who tell half-truths some of the time.
Stafford is the author of two award-winning memoirs: Topic of Cancer: Riding the Waves of the Big C, full of truth, heart and humor about her journey and escapades through breast cancer, and Who Will Accompany You? My Mother-Daughter Journeys Far From Home and Close to the Heart. Through rich detail and candid storytelling, she brings us to Nepal, Bhutan and Colombia, while balancing tender relationships with her daughters who are sometimes with her, and sometimes making their own way in these remote places.
She opened her talk with an experience from her psychotherapy practice of over 40 years.
“I was sitting with my client who I had known for several months. Her daughter was going to be joining us for the first time. My client’s husband, her daughter’s father, had died when the daughter was a baby, and she had never learned how he died.”
She continued, “I can still see the two women sitting side by side on the flowered loveseat in my office. It was a sunny day and the light filtered through the windows of my small corner office, creating a warmth to the room. I could feel the tension, and slowed my own breathing to set a tone of calm acceptance. The daughter, in her early 20’s, had suffered from depression and anxiety, and was deeply troubled by not knowing this delicate part of her history.”
Stafford shares how the mother broke this earth-shattering news with her daughter.
“I could see the determined look in the daughter’s eye and the concern on her mother’s face. I assured them both that we were there because the daughter made clear that the ‘not knowing’ was causing her more difficulty than whatever she was about to learn. The mom took a deep breath and revealed that her first husband, her daughter’s father, had died by suicide. I heard the daughter take in a breath and slowly exhale. There were quiet tears running down her cheeks. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered. She cried silently for a few minutes and her mother moved closer to her, the daughter allowing her a gentle hug.”
Stafford’s witnessing of this precious moment revealed a revelation as she shared the daughter’s response. “You know, I had already figured out that it either had to be suicide or homicide because if it had been an illness, you would have told me, and if it had been a car accident, there would have been newspaper reports. So I had narrowed it down to those two possibilities. I need to know the truth.”
Stafford added, “Never have I been present for a moment quite as raw as this one. I felt the weight of the honor and privilege to have created the space that would allow this to happen safely. I learned from the daughter’s therapist that from this point, she continued to gain confidence to become clearer about how she wanted to live. The not-knowing about this crucial issue had consumed her, so she had turned her questioning inward, not knowing if she could trust herself.”
This painful truth can set us free, as this story illustrates. It enabled the daughter to incorporate the sadness and stop the rumination and relentless self-doubt.
Stafford’s talk exemplifies how grief and truth allow us to be human, to let in the difficulties, and to learn from them. Without it, we are faced with crippling uncertainty, consuming a vast amount of emotional space, often making it challenging to make decisions. It can also lead to anger and irritability, which pushes away other people and distances us from ourselves.
It is possible to learn how to communicate in a way that honors the receiver, which indicates that the person telling the difficult news respects the person being addressed and sees that person as important enough to be vulnerable in bringing up the challenging information.
The takeaway message: Honest communication creates intimacy, joy, and an ease in living, where truth can dwell in the heart of connection. This is where everyone wins.
Stafford plans to take this message to the TedX stage, expanding on ways to practice delivering difficult messages that honor everybody. She also looks forward to speaking with organizations locally and nationwide about this life-affirming topic.
To connect with Meg, visit her website or Instagram.
To see the full talk, followed by Q&A, go to YouTube.
Published By: Aize Perez
