By: Overnight Publicity
We often find ourselves trapped in patterns of behavior that seem beyond our control. These patterns, rooted in past experiences and traumas, can trigger intense emotional responses that derail our present interactions. But what if we could rewrite these neural pathways, transforming our reactions and, in turn, our relationships?
Amy Tan, the celebrated Chinese-American author, provides a poignant example of how past experiences can color our present perceptions. In her book, The Opposite of Fate: Memories of a Writing Life, Tan describes how negative book reviews can instantly transport her back to childhood memories of being bullied for her Chinese heritage. This phenomenon, known as reliving, is a common experience where current events trigger flashbacks to past traumas.
The power of these triggers lies in their ability to hijack our rational thinking, plunging us into emotional responses that may seem disproportionate to the present situation. For Tan, a critical review becomes more than just feedback on her work; it reawakens the pain of childhood exclusion and ridicule. Her brain, in an attempt to protect her, reacts as if she were still that vulnerable child, despite her current success and status.
This pattern of reliving past traumas isn’t unique to Tan. In relationships, we often find ourselves caught in destructive cycles, or train wrecks, where both partners trigger each other’s past pain. For instance, one partner’s silence during an argument might stem from childhood experiences of bullying, while the other’s intense reaction to that silence could be rooted in feelings of abandonment from their past.
The good news is that our brains are not static. Neuroscientists have discovered that through mindfulness and conscious effort, we can rewire our neural pathways. This process, known as neuroplasticity, offers hope for breaking free from destructive patterns and creating healthier relationships.
The NOW approach – Notice, Opportunities, Within – provides a framework for this rewiring process. By noticing when we’re being triggered, recognizing the opportunity to respond differently, and looking within to understand our reactions, we can begin to change our habitual responses.
Mindfulness plays a crucial role in this transformation. By practicing mindful awareness, we create a space between stimulus and response, allowing us to choose our reactions rather than being controlled by them. This practice can be as simple as taking a deep breath and acknowledging our emotions before responding to a triggering situation.
The benefits of this mindful approach extend beyond just avoiding conflicts. When we respond with compassion instead of reactivity, our brains release feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine, replacing the stress-inducing cortisol and adrenaline that fuel our fight-or-flight responses. This not only improves our mental state but also has positive effects on our physical health.
Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson suggests following negative memories with positive ones as a way to retrain our brains. This practice helps create new neural pathways, gradually reducing the power of our triggers. For example, after recognizing that we’re reacting to a current situation based on past trauma, we can consciously recall a positive memory or focus on a current source of joy or gratitude.
In relationships, this rewiring process requires effort from both partners. It involves practicing mindful listening, where each person gives their full attention to the other without interrupting or allowing their thoughts to wander. When one partner notices they’re being triggered, they can communicate this to their partner, creating an opportunity for mutual understanding and support.
The goal isn’t to erase our past experiences but to change how we relate to them. By acknowledging our triggers and choosing to respond with compassion – both to ourselves and our partners – we can transform our relationships. This process of moving from reliving to rewiring not only improves our interactions with others but also fosters a deeper sense of self-understanding and acceptance.
Ultimately, the practice of mindful compassion in our relationships reflects on ourselves. As psychologist Harville Hendrix notes, We never do something to our partner that we are not also doing to ourselves. By treating our partners with empathy and understanding, we cultivate those same qualities within ourselves.
This journey of rewiring our brains is not a quick fix but a lifelong practice. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to face our vulnerabilities. However, the rewards – deeper connections, more fulfilling relationships, and a greater sense of inner peace – are immeasurable.
Start today: The next time you feel triggered in a relationship, pause. Take a deep breath and notice your emotional response. Ask yourself: Is this reaction rooted in the present moment, or am I reliving an experience? Use this awareness as an opportunity to choose a different response, one based on compassion and understanding rather than fear or defensiveness. Remember, each moment of mindfulness is a step towards rewriting your brain’s story and creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Published by: Martin De Juan
